Just Visiting …

I have been thinking about death and dying since my mother passed away … ten years ago this September … off and on and lately more on than off … I wonder sometimes what happens when I am no longer a resident of this planet … for that matter I wonder what happens when anyone is no longer a resident of this planet … I have this chronic illness that has been my companion for almost thirty years now that designates me as an early leaver … so I wonder what will happen and what that will be like … I’m fairly certain when it happens it will be okay by me … I’m getting older and tired and I want to make as much of the time I have left as I can … and I’m doing too much … I was hoping to have retired by now … alas and alack huh … I think of all the things I’ve done that were not quite what a person who is authentic ought to do and there is nothing I can do to take them back … and then I think that whatever it was was meant to be the way it was because if it wasn’t it wouldn’t be and I nor anyone else can change history … so there it is … what happened to falling in love?  what happened to my medical insurance? what will happen to me when I finally fall too ill to recover? I really have to stop thinking about these things … I am a driven person … looking for answers EVERYWHERE and finding some and not finding others that drives me to look even harder for things that just aren’t available right now … time is running out and the world will fade away and will it matter what I leave behind me if there’s no one left to notice or remember anyway?

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